In case you haven’t noticed, it’s Halloween season and as I’ve previously mentioned, it’s the holiday where people get the most offended, statistically speaking. I’ll be ‘digging up’ as many Halloween offensives as I can over the next few days.

Here’s a great example of turning a Halloween non-story into, well, a Halloween non-story but one worth sharing here on the blog. It comes to us from Andrew Cramer over at Yale Daily News and he simply titles it “I hate Halloween”.

Jesus, Andrew, tell us what you really think.

He should have just titled it “I am a Miserable Bastard and I hate Everyone and Everything”.

The fall festival of all things spooky requires more planning than it should. We spend weeks trying to design the perfect costume, balancing cost-efficiency, warmth and fashion. 

Do we want to join an ensemble costume or exist as a standalone? Are we witty or sexy? Are we store-bought or homemade?  

These costume questions drive me crazy. I have always simply shirked the responsibility and thrown something together at the last minute, accepting the fierce criticism that comes with that courageous decision.

Why are you so offended by my low-effort costume? Why is it even an exercise in comparison? Wear your ‘stume in peace, and let me wear mine. I don’t care that you and your best friend won costume of the night with your perfectly-executed Blades of Glory duet. If it makes you happy, that’s enough. No need to scoff as you look me up and down and ask, “So, like, what are you supposed to be, anyway?”

I sincerely hope that all of Andrew’s colleagues read this and act accordingly. Even if he works from home and his colleagues consist of his Mom’s cat and his creepy neighbor with the high powered binoculars.

When I say act accordingly, of course I mean to scoff as they look him up and down and ask, “So, like, what are you supposed to be, anyway?”.

I think he’s supposed to be a writer but I’m not sure. He sounds like a bitter, old boomer.

Happy Halloween anyway, Andrew.