I wasn’t looking for expert advice on how to offend my neighbors this morning. In fact, I was looking for the exact opposite when I punched in “how not to offend your neighbor” into my Google search.

What popped up was not what I was expecting.

Actually I don’t know what I was expecting. I was just sick of looking through news stories for blog fodder and figured I’d take a different tack. So I wasn’t really expecting anything but I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised to find that the entire first page was nothing but expert advice on how to offend your neighbors!

I love how it starts off with 25 ways to annoy (ie offend) right off the top. But then it just keeps going, as if you might need more than 25 ideas.

I also love how it isn’t limited to American neighbors but includes advice for people who live in countries that use extra vowels in their words for no good reason except to appear linguistically superior to us ‘yanks’. I also love that they want to make sure to include legal ways to offend our neighbors, just in case we want to stay within the boundaries of the law.

No need to commit criminal offenses when you can do things legally and get the same results, amiright?

My favorite, though, has to be this one:

Pictures always help since I’m a visual learner and I actually learned a lot from that one. Mostly that I’m already doing a lot of things the experts suggest so my neighbors must really be quite pleased with my efforts to offend them!

And that, in turn, pleases me because I want to be the best neighbor I can be.

Wait, that’s not what I set out to do.

Ugh.

Thanks, Google!